A Life In Review

September is NICU awareness month. Last year, I covered NICU facts and a little bit of NICU life, but if you haven’t lived it, it can be hard to understand. Which led me to a topic that I believe needs to be addressed, and that is, how do you help a NICU parent? These are murky waters to navigate and what ends up happening, is NICU parents get isolated because no one knows what to say or what to do.

It is in our nature (most of us anyway) to help those in need around us, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to figure out what to do. While a phone call or text are very nice, there is more that you can do (if you so choose). Most of them won’t get you baby cuddles, but will seriously help the lives of NICU parents. So let’s get started:

What Can I Say?

Don’t Say: No matter your intention don’t EVER ask a NICU parent when the baby is coming home. Here is the answer: They don’t know. There is a vague timeline that they are given in the beginning, but there is no specific date. Though this question is innocent it is heartbreaking for the parents. Also avoid asking how the baby is being fed (breast, formula, tube), because that topic is tough with NICU parents who don’t get to bring their baby home.
Do Say: Do ask them about their baby. Not about the baby’s health, but things you would ask other parents. Such as, “What is your favorite feature that the baby has?”, “What outfit are you most excited for the baby to wear?” , “Has the baby shown any personality yet?” (Georgia was a fighter, and SO stubborn right from the start), “who do you think the baby looks like” (use your judgment on this one based on how medically fragile the baby looks).
Be Open: Give them the chance to tell their birth story. If they want to share it, cool, if not change the topic. It’s often avoided and makes the mother feel like her birth wasn’t special because it wasn’t “normal”. Just give them the chance.
Expect: Nothing. Even if you are their very best friend, expect a delayed response, or no response at all. Having a child in the NICU is VERY traumatic and takes a lot of time and energy out of the parents (your friends).
PLEASE SAY: Please tell them “Congratulations on your new baby!” Even if the baby is premature or sick, these parents did it. Do not let the first thing you say to a NICU parent be “I’m sorry”. They want to hear congratulations too because even in all of the mess, they had a beautiful baby that they are so proud of.

What Can I Do?

Bring/ Offer Food: If the family is in the midst of NICU life, give them gift cards. They are looking for quick meals that they can either eat on the go or eat quickly before heading back to the hospital. Our families did as much as they could but ultimately we were left to recover, cook, clean, work and be at the hospital all at once. If this isn’t their first baby, it’s even harder to juggle it all. No one is prepared for this, everyone struggles. If you bring food, plan to drop it off and leave (unless the parents tell you otherwise).
Pay for Gas: For the first leg of our NICU stay we had to drive an hour to see the baby. Some families drive even further (we were actually one of the lucky ones). It gets really expensive (not including the cost of hospital parking). Someone actually gave us a gas gift card and it was SO thoughtful, and perfectly random.
Offer to do their Laundry: It seems weird right? Because technically they didn’t bring a baby home yet, so they should have time for chores, but honestly, I didn’t have the mental capacity (or the physical one) to do the laundry (my MIL did our laundry for a bit while I recovered). It’s another simple task that lets the parents get back to the hospital.
Offer to do their Dishes: Again, so weird, yet so simple. A fellow NICU mom told me that one of her relatives would come in while she was visiting the baby, and take care of her basic household chores. She said that this was a huge help.
Offer to Take their other kid(s): I watched a few moms around me try to juggle both seeing their kids at home and their NICU baby. Some days they would have to choose between kids and that was heartbreaking. So if you can, offer to take their other kid(s) for even just a few hours while they visit the baby. It will also help make the older siblings feel special in the midst of a confusing change of life events (this NICU stay affects them too).

Honestly, it never hurts to ask, but BE SPECIFIC and remind put up a little fight when they say no because they are likely just being polite and do really need the help. They probably don’t have any idea what they need help with until it comes up. This help could be what I listed above, it could be mowing the lawn or checking the mail. Simple things go a long way!

** One final note: please check with the parents BEFORE setting up something like a “go fund me”. While the intentions are good, some parents don’t like something this personal being advertised like that. They might be more open to specific help, rather than money being thrown at them **

Remember Them:

If you’ve made it this far, then you clearly are looking for honest ways to help. What I’m about to say is uncomfortable and raw, but needs to be said if you are planning to help a NICU parent.

When the baby comes home, usually the help (if it was ever there) fades away. Everyone is all tapped out and leaves. I am asking you to remember those parents. When they get home, set up the balloons and the yard signs. Welcome them home like they imagined they would have been welcomed had they had a full term, healthy baby. Bring the presents (if you so choose), bring the dinners and (ask first) come over.

When we got home, it had been over 2 months, and the newness of Georgia’s birth had worn off to those around us. We, just like most people, brought home our first baby and had no idea what we were doing. We would have loved hot meals, and check ins, but those had stopped about a month in. We don’t blame anyone, heck, you should never expect a helping hand, but this is me being totally honest in the hopes that I can help another NICU family not feel what we felt.

So remember them, bless them, LOVE them, just like they loved and blessed you when you needed it.

Final Word:

THANK YOU. Thank you for caring about NICU families enough to read this post and learn how to help them. Thank you for making the time to help them fight this battle. Thank you for coming alone side them and not receiving the appreciation you deserve because they just don’t have it in them, and thank you for remembering them and loving them during this time.