A Life In Review

0 Stars- Perinatal depression sucks the joy out of pregnancy. What should be the most exciting time in your life, becomes a stressful mess of emotions that you never saw coming. Sure I did all my research on postpartum depression. I was ready for the beast that it is. Perinatal depression blindsided both myself, and those unfortunate enough to be around me at the time.

Let me start by saying that I have always wanted to have a baby. I didn’t want to adopt, or foster (I’ll save that reasoning for a rainy day), I wanted to carry and give birth to my very own baby. My husband was on the same page, so we went along and got pregnant (we were super lucky and found it quite easy to get pregnant: see pregnancy blog post). We were over the moon when I got pregnant.

Things change pretty quickly once that test comes back positive. Hormones start raging, body parts start growing. It’s a lot, but I was ready. Then the sickness started, but I was sure it wouldn’t last the whole pregnancy, so I pushed forward. Then I found myself really tired and began sleeping 12-15 hours a day (no naps because I literally can’t nap unless I’m drugged). Followed by the sleep, I no longer felt like talking to anyone. I didn’t leave the couch, nor did I care to get out of my pajamas (okay well that’s not new, I would always be in pajamas if it were socially acceptable).

Things just started to feel overwhelming and I chalked it up to normal pregnancy stuff. I was no longer enjoying pregnancy though. I spent many days in tears because I didn’t want to be pregnant anymore and then I felt like THE WORST person in the world for feeling that way. There I was carrying my own tiny human just like I always wanted, only I didn’t want it. There were women all around me begging to get pregnant, and I WAS pregnant and didn’t like it. Then the guilt set in, could my child feel my rejection? Did she know how miserable I was? Would she come out and reject me because I was so negative about carrying her? I didn’t voice those concerns to ANYONE. I kept it to myself because I felt that I was a HORRIBLE mother before my baby was even born.

One afternoon my mom came and took me to an appointment. On our way home, she asked me how I was feeling. She didn’t ask it in the way everyone else was asking (they all expected me to be glowing). I told her I was fine and she looked at me and told me that I was not. She could see that I was spiraling. She encouraged me to go home and talk to Bryan (my husband). It took me another two days and finally I broke down and told him what was going on.

We ended up going to the doctor and from that point forward I was monitored (they couldn’t do anything else because I was already on an anti-depressant for anxiety). However, it was a relief. They put a name to what I was feeling. It wasn’t just pregnancy hormones, it was more; I had perinatal depression. I wish this was talked about more publicly because I may have sought help sooner if I had known I wasn’t just being a big baby who couldn’t handle some extra hormones.

As I said in my pregnancy review, around week 28 it finally settled down and I had two weeks of joy before my medical drama. I bonded with my girl and I felt genuinely better. That is not the case for everyone. Sometimes Perinatal Depression can stay with you through the entire pregnancy. It is hard to cope with depression during a time that is supposed to be exciting. A time when everyone EXPECTS you to be happy and full of joy.

If this resonates with you I want you to know that I see you. I know what you are feeling and you are NOT the only one that is experiencing (or has experienced) those feelings. I encourage you to talk to your doctor. Seek help mama because I promise you that when it’s all over, it’s worth it.

My final piece of “advice” (you don’t have to take it), is to find yourself a partner, a friend, a relative that can walk this with you. Finally opening up to my husband was what got me through it. He became my confidant and my support as I worked through all of my feelings. On my own, I was drowning and had no intentions of reaching or a life vest. My husband picked me up and made me keep going and I am so thankful that he did.